"This is a little something i wrote back in the day "
My grandmother use to tell me the story of how she got married all the time ,i know it by heart.
She was 13 and her mother came to her to LET HER KNOW she was getting married , back then a girl had no opinion concerning anything at all.
The day of the wedding came ,and she didnt really know what was waiting for her , all she knew, it was of the opposite sex.
She sat on the decorated platform with her face completely covered ,her eyes were closed expressing her fear and anxiety...they took her to a room where her nanny helped her out of the dress and into a sleeveless nighty,she was left for a while in the room alone with one thought on her mind ,her red ball ........
She found out that night she got married off to a 45 year old man, who had kids older than she was .
My grandmother used to tell me that when she was young and just married, she used to look out the window and watch kids play ,wishing she was playing too, but her husband ,my grandfather would walk into the room and she would let go of the curtains...he died when she was 20,and she never married again.
She passed away 6 months ago.
My mother went to university and studied dentistry , she graduated and got married right away to my father at the age of 20,my father loved her, and used to drive to her house and play load music from the car, and made his way from out side the house in his car, to husband and father of three,"it was lovely "she said .
They traveled around the world, and it was great...
My parents got divorced when i was 7and my father remarried twice ,and has 3 additional kids.
My mother never married again and i dont think she ever will.
I met a billion guys and dated a lot of them too, fell in love a couple of times but they didnt work,i watched a lot of Disney when i was a kid .
I believed in love and fairy tales and was exited when i got my period ,i was happy bc i grew up, and i coulnt wait for my first kiss,i was wishing and hopin like the song
So at the age of 21 i gave up waiting for all that, i was broken and had no faith in men and in life.at the age of 23 i had regained my faith in life, love and in Disney again ,i said what the hell,so what if my first kiss sucked and so what if i didnt succeed in all those relationships or semi...
Im 27 and no where close to finding the right man ,or wanting to find him to tell you the truth ,i get lonely alot and think of the time where my mouth will dry and fall off along with other parts of my body...its not like im desperate to get married or anything like that i just wanted what my grandmother ,mother and every women wants.
Waking up in the arms of her prince charming.and living happily ever after,to love and to be loved.
All that shit we see in Disney about prince charming and the fair maiden ...the love...kisses and so on..its true shit like that DOES happen .and it happens ALOT to alot of ppl.
Im still waiting for that kiss, not my first kiss but the kiss,the kiss my grandmother waited for , the kiss My mother longed for ,and the kiss that I prepared my self for.
Apr 12, 2010
My addiction!
As I sit here thinking of how or when to start getting right to the subject, I can’t even put my finger on how this whole thing started!!!
What is it that I want to talk about?? My addiction or shall I say addictions or should I start on how I established one, my dysfunctional upbringing, my twisted childhood that would totally screw up an animal, not just a human .or should I just talk about being an oppressed women in a backward fanatic society, a society where they compare a girl to a curse I even met a woman named مصيبة!!!!!
As I sit here talking about all this shit, I can’t help but wonder is this how it’s always going to be? Sitting here thinking I’m unfortunate?? Addicted with a miserable child hood and I’m woman, A7A!!This is exactly what I’m talking about ……what are we going to do? What am I going to do? I can’t live like this, always thinking there is something wrong, thinking there is something that needs to be dealt with ,and always thinking that THIS SHOULD’ NT HAPPEN NO MORE!!!!!! Whatever it is that is happening….
As I sit here thinking of how would I possibly stop this from happening, I don’t want to be the scared one with a pile on top of my back! Crawling and suffering from the load, I don’t want to be here and there, and everywhere with my thoughts and my body, I don’t want be blamed and in the same time am sick and tired of blaming the world …
As I sit here I’m thinking woe is me and why me???I can’t help to notice that every time I sit like this thinking I wonder why is it that no one can’t do anything about it, change it, fix it, and help it.
As I sit here thinking and talking I can’t help to notice that if no one can do those things then, I can! I can change it ,fix it ,and help it ….if not for me, but for all people like me and if not for people like me ,then for myself !
As I sit here thinking and talking, blabbing and blabbing of how this all happened and why and why to me and all the other women, I don’t know what it is but my pride stops me! and if I have pride I have power .you know will power ,if I can talk about it then I guess I can talk some more and If I can think about it (all the time) then I can defiantly think more
As I sit here thinking and talking I have decided to think and to talk some more, I have decided to tell you that I’m an addict and I also want to tell you that I hate it as much as I love it, but what is more important is that I want to stop it !!!
As I sit here blabbing I want to tell you, yes my childhood sucked ass and my upbringing was terrible but that is when I was a child and a child no more, I have grown and grown some more not like a tree but like a woman who is keeping it real!
A woman who wants to be and just be …..No stress no shit, no baggage!!!
As I sit here telling all of you this, I can’t help to state the fact and to be fair.i did this to me ,I didn’t refrain me or control me , if my excuse was no one stopped me !I should have stopped me ,at the end of the day or the end of life it’s me ,only lonely me sitting thinking and maybe talking ,but to whom?? To me!!!
As I sit here I know I’m wrong & have wronged, talking about it and taking initiative is a must, standing still I’m lost!
Using my voice and words is a must ,taking initiative is my plan .I don’t care if my life sucked, because as I sit here talking &thinking ,thinking and blabbing , blabbing and blabbing some more, I know that you are thinking ,but are you talking??
And I sit here realizing that this is how it goes down; I have to acknowledge! In other words, admit I am an addict, because I am!!!! Go get help and talk about it, and then try to survive it , in other words d e a l with it ,but I want you to remember, it starts with some thought and a loads of truth !!!!!Truth from you, for you!! Then a little talk -all you need is someone to listen, that’s not hard!!!To find someone to listen, shit; you could even listen to yourself, lol that would even give you something to talk about!
12/02/2008
What is it that I want to talk about?? My addiction or shall I say addictions or should I start on how I established one, my dysfunctional upbringing, my twisted childhood that would totally screw up an animal, not just a human .or should I just talk about being an oppressed women in a backward fanatic society, a society where they compare a girl to a curse I even met a woman named مصيبة!!!!!
As I sit here talking about all this shit, I can’t help but wonder is this how it’s always going to be? Sitting here thinking I’m unfortunate?? Addicted with a miserable child hood and I’m woman, A7A!!This is exactly what I’m talking about ……what are we going to do? What am I going to do? I can’t live like this, always thinking there is something wrong, thinking there is something that needs to be dealt with ,and always thinking that THIS SHOULD’ NT HAPPEN NO MORE!!!!!! Whatever it is that is happening….
As I sit here thinking of how would I possibly stop this from happening, I don’t want to be the scared one with a pile on top of my back! Crawling and suffering from the load, I don’t want to be here and there, and everywhere with my thoughts and my body, I don’t want be blamed and in the same time am sick and tired of blaming the world …
As I sit here I’m thinking woe is me and why me???I can’t help to notice that every time I sit like this thinking I wonder why is it that no one can’t do anything about it, change it, fix it, and help it.
As I sit here thinking and talking I can’t help to notice that if no one can do those things then, I can! I can change it ,fix it ,and help it ….if not for me, but for all people like me and if not for people like me ,then for myself !
As I sit here thinking and talking, blabbing and blabbing of how this all happened and why and why to me and all the other women, I don’t know what it is but my pride stops me! and if I have pride I have power .you know will power ,if I can talk about it then I guess I can talk some more and If I can think about it (all the time) then I can defiantly think more
As I sit here thinking and talking I have decided to think and to talk some more, I have decided to tell you that I’m an addict and I also want to tell you that I hate it as much as I love it, but what is more important is that I want to stop it !!!
As I sit here blabbing I want to tell you, yes my childhood sucked ass and my upbringing was terrible but that is when I was a child and a child no more, I have grown and grown some more not like a tree but like a woman who is keeping it real!
A woman who wants to be and just be …..No stress no shit, no baggage!!!
As I sit here telling all of you this, I can’t help to state the fact and to be fair.i did this to me ,I didn’t refrain me or control me , if my excuse was no one stopped me !I should have stopped me ,at the end of the day or the end of life it’s me ,only lonely me sitting thinking and maybe talking ,but to whom?? To me!!!
As I sit here I know I’m wrong & have wronged, talking about it and taking initiative is a must, standing still I’m lost!
Using my voice and words is a must ,taking initiative is my plan .I don’t care if my life sucked, because as I sit here talking &thinking ,thinking and blabbing , blabbing and blabbing some more, I know that you are thinking ,but are you talking??
And I sit here realizing that this is how it goes down; I have to acknowledge! In other words, admit I am an addict, because I am!!!! Go get help and talk about it, and then try to survive it , in other words d e a l with it ,but I want you to remember, it starts with some thought and a loads of truth !!!!!Truth from you, for you!! Then a little talk -all you need is someone to listen, that’s not hard!!!To find someone to listen, shit; you could even listen to yourself, lol that would even give you something to talk about!
12/02/2008
Apr 10, 2010
A letter to my Saudi Flutura(I hope you know who you are)
My dearest Flutura, this will be your alias, its butterfly in Albanian, and I really like calling you that, since you were able to fly and flutter away and spread your covered colored wings!
I have to first congratulate you on your upcoming event , the one that we have been waiting for, for soo long , the plan is finally coming through, and you have no idea how happy I am for you , and secretly hoping for the same for the rest of the clan .
Although it pains me that we won’t be there as planned to walk u through, and to pinch your knee like it is custom in some places in the world, well have to do with what’s available...just create a new custom, you’ll have to print out pics of us the trio and place them on the inside of your Vail , that’s if your 'e going to wear one if not then please accept printing out this page and then soak the page in water , sprinkle some of that water on your bouquet! And we will be there with u, Varoom and I.Now I know that you have a billion things to worry about , and to figure out , all the last minute details , so always ask yourself , what would the girls say , and you’ll be fine ,YOULL BE FINE WOMAN!!
I love you !
I have to first congratulate you on your upcoming event , the one that we have been waiting for, for soo long , the plan is finally coming through, and you have no idea how happy I am for you , and secretly hoping for the same for the rest of the clan .
Although it pains me that we won’t be there as planned to walk u through, and to pinch your knee like it is custom in some places in the world, well have to do with what’s available...just create a new custom, you’ll have to print out pics of us the trio and place them on the inside of your Vail , that’s if your 'e going to wear one if not then please accept printing out this page and then soak the page in water , sprinkle some of that water on your bouquet! And we will be there with u, Varoom and I.Now I know that you have a billion things to worry about , and to figure out , all the last minute details , so always ask yourself , what would the girls say , and you’ll be fine ,YOULL BE FINE WOMAN!!
You have the strength for all of us , its ur middle name .and I’m soooooooooooo proud of you , for picking up and going, for standing up for yourself and for the things you deserve in life , its u who started this trait we all now have , soon we all will be named as butterflies , but not quite yet .
When you feel that the world isn’t being nice , just remember us and how nice we can be to you , remember me , and how life wasn’t nice to me too and remember that that’s life , remember that you fought for your freedom and waited and finally got it , remember that there are more than us in the world and remember that we remember you at times of weariness , you’re never alone ,we as well are not alone , close your eyes and place your hand on your arm and pat yourself , it will be ok .And when you’re afraid and exited and have no one around to help curp it , close your eyes again and visualize us dancing like we did, we were able to momentarily dance the darkness away, the fairies that we are, fire flies lighting up our own destinies , the dancing butterflies, always have and always will be .
When you feel that the world isn’t being nice , just remember us and how nice we can be to you , remember me , and how life wasn’t nice to me too and remember that that’s life , remember that you fought for your freedom and waited and finally got it , remember that there are more than us in the world and remember that we remember you at times of weariness , you’re never alone ,we as well are not alone , close your eyes and place your hand on your arm and pat yourself , it will be ok .And when you’re afraid and exited and have no one around to help curp it , close your eyes again and visualize us dancing like we did, we were able to momentarily dance the darkness away, the fairies that we are, fire flies lighting up our own destinies , the dancing butterflies, always have and always will be .
I love you !
Apr 8, 2010
My Scarlet Letter
I had the most unusual conversation today with the most unusual Varoom,
It defiantly affected me and my morning; listening to her freaking out and acting mad was just confusing as hell, it made me so angry , shocked, and unsettled, unfamiliar with the exact feeling I felt ,and whatever I felt made me instantly cry. I mean I was thinking what the hell is happening to the balance of the universe? out of all people she has no right to act mad, and if she does.
Well, I instantly need to break and chatter into a million pieces blowing human dust particles in thin air, till I dissolve into nothing.
Tears were rolling down my face and a big upside smile appeared, it was very hard to hold back the not so good feeling at work, what the hell is she upset about?? She should look around her and at how life can be; I’ll give a better picture in sentences:
• parents divorced at the age of 7
• father slowly replacing current family with new one
• fathers family hating mothers family and I and siblings in between
• growing up with low self esteem and always thinking it’s my fault
• being lied to constantly by parents
• moving around and not staying in one house for more than three years
• growing poorer as we grow up , the more education the less money
• bounced around relationships
• door matted by family and friends
• domestic violence for years and years and years and years both emotional and physical
• constant shame
Need I say more.....?
• increasing poverty in the world
• hunger in the world
• Saudi women treated as second class citizens in their own country(my country)
• third world countries citizen's treated bad in other third world countries by other third world citizens
• the occupation of Palestine
• Darfur
• Saudi Arabia
• Iraq
• discrimination against color , and against gender and against sexual behavior and against everything
• child trafficking
Look outside your shadow will you!!!Your not the only miserable one in the world
I don’t know if am angry at her or at ppl around me or at the whole world for being oblivious, or at myself for allowing it??
Honestly, I’m not waiting for anything to come my way.
My life can be a mystery with the things I don’t talk about, BC I choose not to, but I’ve always worn my scarlet letter and that's just me, and I do love my Varoom, my friends, my family, the world I live in and most of all, I adore the letter I wear, for it is mine and I wear it with pride.
It defiantly affected me and my morning; listening to her freaking out and acting mad was just confusing as hell, it made me so angry , shocked, and unsettled, unfamiliar with the exact feeling I felt ,and whatever I felt made me instantly cry. I mean I was thinking what the hell is happening to the balance of the universe? out of all people she has no right to act mad, and if she does.
Well, I instantly need to break and chatter into a million pieces blowing human dust particles in thin air, till I dissolve into nothing.
Tears were rolling down my face and a big upside smile appeared, it was very hard to hold back the not so good feeling at work, what the hell is she upset about?? She should look around her and at how life can be; I’ll give a better picture in sentences:
• parents divorced at the age of 7
• father slowly replacing current family with new one
• fathers family hating mothers family and I and siblings in between
• growing up with low self esteem and always thinking it’s my fault
• being lied to constantly by parents
• moving around and not staying in one house for more than three years
• growing poorer as we grow up , the more education the less money
• bounced around relationships
• door matted by family and friends
• domestic violence for years and years and years and years both emotional and physical
• constant shame
Need I say more.....?
• increasing poverty in the world
• hunger in the world
• Saudi women treated as second class citizens in their own country(my country)
• third world countries citizen's treated bad in other third world countries by other third world citizens
• the occupation of Palestine
• Darfur
• Saudi Arabia
• Iraq
• discrimination against color , and against gender and against sexual behavior and against everything
• child trafficking
Look outside your shadow will you!!!Your not the only miserable one in the world
I don’t know if am angry at her or at ppl around me or at the whole world for being oblivious, or at myself for allowing it??
watching her take life for granted and fussing , (to me )all the time , and when she is done and all talked out , shell ask" what’s up with you ?" how can I possibly complain after she made life seem so impossible and with a time frame of a second? I can’t talk about how bad I’m feeling , i have to help her feel better, BC I really do care ( she is my vava with a room)and I don’t want her to sink in a hole of despair ,it is my duty as a friend, I don’t know what to say ....should I say it all , or should just keep my mouth shut???
I constantly feel like a doormat (and know I’m not), I mean not BC I listen and I’m understanding then I ill only care about you, guess what, I sometimes don’t give an effing fuck, and a reminder; everything goes two ways
Honestly, I’m not waiting for anything to come my way.
It’s always been so important what she says or how she feels and what she wants to listen to and what she doesn’t, well guess what! I Sometimes do have something to say, and sometimes I don’t want to hear other ppl's shit. Just like her I can’t be bothered I’m just too nice to say it , in other words I don’t want to stop her and make her feel bad by doing so .BC when it comes to feeling bad , I can be the queen of sorrow, an expert on soul cramps, I carry a PhD in feeling the color blue.
My life can be a mystery with the things I don’t talk about, BC I choose not to, but I’ve always worn my scarlet letter and that's just me, and I do love my Varoom, my friends, my family, the world I live in and most of all, I adore the letter I wear, for it is mine and I wear it with pride.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)