A letter to my Saudi Flutura(I hope you know who you are)

My dearest Flutura, this will be your alias, its butterfly in Albanian, and I really like calling you that, since you were able to fly and flutter away and spread your covered colored wings!
I have to first congratulate you on your upcoming event , the one that we have been waiting for, for soo long , the plan is finally coming through, and you have no idea how happy I am for you , and secretly hoping for the same for the rest of the clan .
Although it pains me that we won’t be there as planned to walk u through, and to pinch your knee like it is custom in some places in the world, well have to do with what’s available...just create a new custom, you’ll have to print out pics of us the trio and place them on the inside of your Vail , that’s if your 'e going to wear one if not then please accept printing out this page and then soak the page in water , sprinkle some of that water on your bouquet! And we will be there with u, Varoom and I.Now I know that you have a billion things to worry about , and to figure out , all the last minute details , so always ask yourself , what would the girls say , and you’ll be fine ,YOULL BE FINE WOMAN!!

You have the strength for all of us , its ur middle name .and I’m soooooooooooo proud of you , for picking up  and going, for standing up for yourself and for the things you deserve in life , its u who started this trait we all now have , soon we all will be named as butterflies , but not quite yet .
When you feel that the world isn’t being nice , just remember us and how nice we can be to you , remember me , and how life wasn’t nice to me too and remember that that’s life , remember that you fought for your freedom and waited and finally got it , remember that there are more than us in the world and remember that we remember you at times of weariness , you’re never alone ,we as well are not alone , close your eyes and place your hand on your arm and pat yourself , it will be ok .And when you’re afraid and exited and have no one around to help curp it , close your eyes again and visualize us dancing like we did, we were able to momentarily dance the darkness away, the fairies that we are, fire flies lighting up our own destinies , the dancing butterflies, always have and always will be .

                                                                        I love you !

My Scarlet Letter

I had the most unusual conversation today with the most unusual Varoom,


It defiantly affected me and my morning; listening to her freaking out and acting mad was just confusing as hell, it made me so angry , shocked, and unsettled, unfamiliar with the exact feeling I felt ,and whatever I felt made me instantly cry. I mean I was thinking what the hell is happening to the balance of the universe? out of all people she has no right to act mad, and if she does.

Well, I instantly need to break and chatter into a million pieces blowing human dust particles in thin air, till I dissolve into nothing.

Tears were rolling down my face and a big upside smile appeared, it was very hard to hold back the not so good feeling at work, what the hell is she upset about?? She should look around her and at how life can be; I’ll give a better picture in sentences:

• parents divorced at the age of 7
• father slowly replacing current family with new one
• fathers family hating mothers family and I and siblings in between
• growing up with low self esteem and always thinking it’s my fault
• being lied to constantly by parents
• moving around and not staying in one house for more than three years
• growing poorer as we grow up , the more education the less money
• bounced around relationships
• door matted by family and friends
• domestic violence for years and years and years and years both emotional and physical
• constant shame



Need I say more.....?



• increasing poverty in the world
• hunger in the world
• Saudi women treated as second class citizens in their own country(my country)
• third world countries citizen's treated bad in other third world countries by other third world citizens
• the occupation of Palestine
• Darfur
• Saudi Arabia
• Iraq
• discrimination against color , and against gender and against sexual behavior and against everything
• child trafficking

Look outside your shadow will you!!!Your not the only miserable one in the world

I don’t know if am angry at her or at ppl around me or at the whole world for being oblivious, or at myself for allowing it??

watching her take life for granted and fussing , (to me )all the time , and when she is done and all talked out , shell ask" what’s up with you ?" how can I possibly complain after she made life seem so impossible and with a time frame of a second? I can’t talk about how bad I’m feeling , i have to help her feel better, BC I really do care ( she is my vava with a room)and I don’t want her to sink in a hole of despair ,it is my duty as a friend, I don’t know what to say ....should I say it all , or should just keep my mouth shut???

I constantly feel like a doormat (and know I’m not), I mean not BC I listen and I’m understanding then I ill only care about you, guess what, I sometimes don’t give an effing fuck, and a reminder; everything goes two ways

Honestly, I’m not waiting for anything to come my way.

It’s always been so important what she says or how she feels and what she wants to listen to and what she doesn’t, well guess what! I Sometimes do have something to say, and sometimes I don’t want to hear other ppl's shit. Just like her I can’t be bothered I’m just too nice to say it , in other words I don’t want to stop her and make her feel bad by doing so .BC when it comes to feeling bad , I can be the queen of sorrow, an expert on soul cramps, I carry a PhD in feeling the color blue.

My life can be a mystery with the things I don’t talk about, BC I choose not to, but I’ve always worn my scarlet letter and that's just me, and I do love my Varoom, my friends, my family, the world I live in and most of all, I adore the letter I wear, for it is mine and I wear it with pride.

Another kind of toilet paper

This world is so different from what I’m used to, it is dry and colorless, depressing in a way and scary for a loner like me, it is my jail and I know very well that I’m being punished .I guess I deserve a little discipline, and I will make myself feel better by reminding myself of a quote commonly used in Egypt, the place I grew up in, "السجن للجدعان"which translates into jail is for a real men, and I AM A REAL MAN!!!

I mean I would have been a real man if I was born a real boy, but I was born a girl so I guess that makes me into a REAL WO-MAN, even better. I have no idea how to translate the word جدعان, I think I’ll need some assistance with that, or maybe install a Google translation thingy here to help all you English speakers out.

My current situation is somewhat miserable, I mean not that miserable, it used to be and I myself am not miserable anymore, I got used to this jail I live in and have accommodated myself to certain activities to forget about it and about my past life outside these walls just to be able to go along with my everyday duties, work, women rights projects and the lack of personal matters. I have made sure to take up new hobbies, and mix, mingle with people I don’t usually mix with. I don’t remember who said that "جنه من غير ناس ، ما تنداس" my current situation is at agreeing with such possibilities and trying my best to keep my optimistic levels to its highest in order not to lose myself to depression or to something that looks like it , and that  happens to be my greatest fear.

I remember being introduced to a far family relative once when I was about 13 ,and after

I said my helloes by doing the" cheek thud "Saudi kissing

technique, my mom whispered loudly "that’s Rida, Huda's sister, she is depressed, and she has been for

a while since she came back from the states, she hasn’t left her house in about 5 years,

I’m surprised

to even see her here. Lana sweetie don’t give in to depression habibti, ok”

I remember I was mortified ,and have had Rida on my mind, especially

since coming back to Saudi. I’m always a step behind or a step forward,

Rida is me and I am Rida!

I think of Rida constantly and remind my mother during our frequent fights, how she jinxed me with Rida's story, and how? BC she brought me in this world, that I am doomed like her, destined to live here forever (although it was my choice to come back to Saudi Arabia) and that I will never marry like my mom wants ,in my perspective get with someone, marriage is over rated these days.



                                     I mean my choices in this particular meat market are very,very limited.



This woman that I have barley known has in a way controlled my life, I’ve seen her once and her depression has gotten to me. talking about negative energy, did I mention my mother's chronic depression that i have witnessed for most of my life and its the same depression she has been forcefully denying ,well that needs about a week of writing and another week of rewriting , I think just to give it justice , it’ll take a month.

I’m reading what I wrote and still don’t know where I’m going with all this, I guess I just am suffering from words and talk, that’s it I have “talk Diarrhea” and this writing pad right here is exactly the kind of paper I need to wipe the remains right off  with.

Introducing Varoom

Speaking to Varoom on Skype is my new favorite activity , I mean after her leaving the "Graveyard" and I was left friendless , she was the friend who kept my side and sanity in Saudi Arabia, I don’t know what it was about her but we clicked without the clicking sound . briefly ,we met for the first time in my house where a common friend brought her to join a salsa class I was giving , the only kill time and maintain curve at that moment, so of course she was more than welcome in my very humble home , and the minute she walked in she made her way from the door to my desk drawer ,as if it was hers and that day was the mark of a new era in my life , one couldn’t over look the common personalities or should I stress "behaviors " but it was easily identified . we failed not to enjoy each other stories and touch on our common grounds, it wasn’t long after that we have became kind of stuck to one another and shared allot of our spare time and heads together .

Varoom has made life possible for me in Saudi , in a way she mirrored me and I have mirrored her as well , we were able to identify with one another’s mistakes , issues ,lives and problems very easily ,BC of how transparent we were able to be with one another, a rarity I must admit especially being here and  both of us being Saudi, people aren’t transparent ,period . It’s the big no, "never ever reveal who you really are”, and" people don’t need to know things about you” "cover that darn tattoo on your neck and don’t say those words when you’re at your aunt's “, " what would they say" its always about what people said , what a drag. with us its always about what are we both saying, F the rest! 

With her I was able to become and just be who I am without suffocating on my real identity, I was free in my cage and she was as free in the same cage .Our transparent nonchalant behavior encouraged novelties and deep thought , we were able to think out loud and sometimes would finish each other’s sentences , very mushy I know but necessary to state , we created a crutch for one another and on my half will be forever grateful , without crutching on her I would have never been able to get well .

I remember when things would get bad and I would squirm from pain , it was a personality trait I had obtained and have ridden myself from with her departure , I had to grow independent of my mirror , realizing that the absence of my mirror allowed me to see the true me  without a reflection ,and I’m sure it’s the same with her .

We were alike in so many ways, yet very different and talking about her in the past tense doesn’t mean she is forever gone it just refers to a time once happened and always remembered, what relief. being able to identify with moments in life easily and in a team, that’s what we are we are, a team. The weird quirky Saudi team, Mr. tall and his ball , we knew how to conquer our lives but needed to see how much damage can be done , both scholars of life ,entrepreneurs, viewers as I said before,quirky.

She also taught me the 123 Saudi way of life , if it wasn’t for her and her teachings I don’t think i was able to stay this long and accept the fact that I might be here for quite some time , Saudi can be ruff on the edges when brewed somewhere else, she taught me the sentence "no big deal "and has helped identify with the little Saudi within , and oh how I love that little ethnic vibe we Saudis posses , it’s just simply us and how we are , Saudis , you got to be one to know what i mean , after meeting her I was a Saudi with the twist , not too dry and not too sweet , just Saudi , I used to die inside when asked where I was from in the past and be soo imbaressed not knowing why , but now I rush "I am Saudi " even before the question was formed , like that ,so in your face and she has taught me that , indirectly I must confirm , and being old patriotic me, I must admit that I have finally found my muse and my land .

 I belong to this freaking place , and I have all the right to say and state so , and would love to see and implement some change as per my likings, I dream of the day where there will be a roundabout with a statue of me possibly formed into a shape of a block or a curvy wall  , Varoom would laugh and make fun of me and say "it would never happen , not in our lifetime" and then I would say "who cares , as long as change does happen " and then she would again , disagree.