Money money money...euf

So, now that I have past the 30 and +,and have realized that mornings are more defined and endings are inevitable.




Standing here looking back at the past, life, family and friends, things I have done, I can say.... I’ve pretty much been there and have done that , and it’s not a so bad feeling BC, I am Queen of the world baby!
 and thus I can sacrifice a couple or three more years of my life living here , in Saudi Arabia . I can afford to stay put ,and for once ,place my brains where they are supposed to be (in my head not in my handbag), note that I’m saying this and am completely aware of what I’m saying and neither drunk nor high , no one has a knife to my throat and I don’t think I have finally lost my marbles , I think it’s time to man up , I mean Wo-man up!



Let’s take my financial state , I have never saved a penny in my life, never even intended too (i simply didnt care , even though with things going the way they were at home i should have ) and now with all these plans in my head of a more grownup life style , I have to save money ( and I’m telling you right now with the holes in both my hands , it’s almost impossible ) but I got to do it . Especially when starting a business, I got to break even at the end of the year or else I’m in deep shit. and now that I know nothing of what a financial plan might be am looking at all these ways in order to understand how it could possibly take place, and did I mention I do not what so ever comprehend numbers, I simply don’t understand them i can add , subtract and that’s about it. (Blame it on private schools and dyslexia)



knowing that my hands have holes I made sure that this year hands need to be mended by hook or crook, assured that I need a new plan in saving especially that my whole life will change , it’s all downhill from here , or should I say uphill.



                                                   Uphill, downhill, it’s all hill to me.



Since ill stick to something for the first time in my life, that will require quitting allot of things, listed below are some of the things I need to remove from my life once and for all, the question will remain if i actually will:

1. Cigarettes: estimates show that" Cigarettes are the only substance sold that , when the user follows the instructions carefully, will result in the consumer becoming toxic , ill or dead" and they forgot to add BROKE.

2. Excessive traveling: now this one is a little tricky and something that I can’t do without(noting i travel cheapand putting in concideration , i live in Saudi Arabia), I wish I could invest in a private plane but that also needs money lots of it , and if I worked for most of my life i  will never make the amount needed and if I ever do its safer to invest in a bike, I’m sure technology will come up with some kind of peice of metal I can never obtain, and planes will turn obsolete. Seriously I need to cut down on my trips, sigh.

3. Shopping: will not be a problem since I don’t really shop anyways.....

4. Driver: now this is an issue, as most of you know women in Saudi Arabia don’t drive and due to the inflation and the sudden drop in market shares and the drying of oil underneath my feet, citizens are doomed, especially my family, we don’t have a car, and use "drivers bilmishwar" i.e. drivers that have cars and charge per ride or per month and oh my GOD do they charge. they charge an arm and a leg and a heart if they can,they'll reach out and grab it right out of your chest, and i swear to you it’s so frustrating knowing that i have a driving license and can lease my own car, but noooo, if I buy a car I need to get a driver to drive it, and that is another budget on its own.

I think ill invest in a donkey and start galloping away to and fro, and talking about investing my money , i should buy more than one donkey and rent them all out .



Knowing that no matter how much I make or how much I spend I still will manage to stay broke , I mean with no savings , and I would love to save so i can  be able to relocate to my dream spot , (the spot i dream of at the moment ) but I know that it can be done , the question is, will I be able to make it ? save , relocate , and be happy ? And then another question pops up, if I do all the above, would I be happy? or will look for something else to find happiness?



And there you have it folks , at the age of 31 , I literally am asking fundamental questions that should have been asked a little while back , or maybe not ,  and could by chance change the course of my life .

 The good thing is that they are finally being asked.



End page!!

On Mother's Day!

Mr. Simone walks in and asks if the big boss is in, I say no he isn’t in he left for a meeting and never came back. and he walks away , I hear him walking back and find his head popping in my office , asking me in his heavy Lebanese accent " inte mzawje wala 3azbe?" translation ," are you married or single " so I reply saying " I am single " in Arabic "3azbe " and  smiled , BC it sounds funny as hell coming out of my mouth grinning at him . He says “well, bitmanalek tkoune imm" "wish u become a mother "and that’s when I froze.




to all u Mama's , " happy mother’s day " and I aint missing out on anything , I get to mother your untrained kids once in a while .



It’s all love!

NO COMMENT

Another kind of toilet paper

This world is so different from what I’m used to, it is dry and colorless, depressing in a way and scary for a loner like me, it is my jail and I know very well that I’m being punished .I guess I deserve a little discipline, and I will make myself feel better by reminding myself of a quote commonly used in Egypt, the place I grew up in, "السجن للجدعان"which translates into jail is for a real men, and I AM A REAL MAN!!!

I mean I would have been a real man if I was born a real boy, but I was born a girl so I guess that makes me into a REAL WO-MAN, even better. I have no idea how to translate the word جدعان, I think I’ll need some assistance with that, or maybe install a Google translation thingy here to help all you English speakers out.

My current situation is somewhat miserable, I mean not that miserable, it used to be and I myself am not miserable anymore, I got used to this jail I live in and have accommodated myself to certain activities to forget about it and about my past life outside these walls just to be able to go along with my everyday duties, work, women rights projects and the lack of personal matters. I have made sure to take up new hobbies, and mix, mingle with people I don’t usually mix with. I don’t remember who said that "جنه من غير ناس ، ما تنداس" my current situation is at agreeing with such possibilities and trying my best to keep my optimistic levels to its highest in order not to lose myself to depression or to something that looks like it , and that  happens to be my greatest fear.

I remember being introduced to a far family relative once when I was about 13 ,and after

I said my helloes by doing the" cheek thud "Saudi kissing

technique, my mom whispered loudly "that’s Rida, Huda's sister, she is depressed, and she has been for

a while since she came back from the states, she hasn’t left her house in about 5 years,

I’m surprised

to even see her here. Lana sweetie don’t give in to depression habibti, ok”

I remember I was mortified ,and have had Rida on my mind, especially

since coming back to Saudi. I’m always a step behind or a step forward,

Rida is me and I am Rida!

I think of Rida constantly and remind my mother during our frequent fights, how she jinxed me with Rida's story, and how? BC she brought me in this world, that I am doomed like her, destined to live here forever (although it was my choice to come back to Saudi Arabia) and that I will never marry like my mom wants ,in my perspective get with someone, marriage is over rated these days.



                                     I mean my choices in this particular meat market are very,very limited.



This woman that I have barley known has in a way controlled my life, I’ve seen her once and her depression has gotten to me. talking about negative energy, did I mention my mother's chronic depression that i have witnessed for most of my life and its the same depression she has been forcefully denying ,well that needs about a week of writing and another week of rewriting , I think just to give it justice , it’ll take a month.

I’m reading what I wrote and still don’t know where I’m going with all this, I guess I just am suffering from words and talk, that’s it I have “talk Diarrhea” and this writing pad right here is exactly the kind of paper I need to wipe the remains right off  with.

Introducing Varoom

Speaking to Varoom on Skype is my new favorite activity , I mean after her leaving the "Graveyard" and I was left friendless , she was the friend who kept my side and sanity in Saudi Arabia, I don’t know what it was about her but we clicked without the clicking sound . briefly ,we met for the first time in my house where a common friend brought her to join a salsa class I was giving , the only kill time and maintain curve at that moment, so of course she was more than welcome in my very humble home , and the minute she walked in she made her way from the door to my desk drawer ,as if it was hers and that day was the mark of a new era in my life , one couldn’t over look the common personalities or should I stress "behaviors " but it was easily identified . we failed not to enjoy each other stories and touch on our common grounds, it wasn’t long after that we have became kind of stuck to one another and shared allot of our spare time and heads together .

Varoom has made life possible for me in Saudi , in a way she mirrored me and I have mirrored her as well , we were able to identify with one another’s mistakes , issues ,lives and problems very easily ,BC of how transparent we were able to be with one another, a rarity I must admit especially being here and  both of us being Saudi, people aren’t transparent ,period . It’s the big no, "never ever reveal who you really are”, and" people don’t need to know things about you” "cover that darn tattoo on your neck and don’t say those words when you’re at your aunt's “, " what would they say" its always about what people said , what a drag. with us its always about what are we both saying, F the rest! 

With her I was able to become and just be who I am without suffocating on my real identity, I was free in my cage and she was as free in the same cage .Our transparent nonchalant behavior encouraged novelties and deep thought , we were able to think out loud and sometimes would finish each other’s sentences , very mushy I know but necessary to state , we created a crutch for one another and on my half will be forever grateful , without crutching on her I would have never been able to get well .

I remember when things would get bad and I would squirm from pain , it was a personality trait I had obtained and have ridden myself from with her departure , I had to grow independent of my mirror , realizing that the absence of my mirror allowed me to see the true me  without a reflection ,and I’m sure it’s the same with her .

We were alike in so many ways, yet very different and talking about her in the past tense doesn’t mean she is forever gone it just refers to a time once happened and always remembered, what relief. being able to identify with moments in life easily and in a team, that’s what we are we are, a team. The weird quirky Saudi team, Mr. tall and his ball , we knew how to conquer our lives but needed to see how much damage can be done , both scholars of life ,entrepreneurs, viewers as I said before,quirky.

She also taught me the 123 Saudi way of life , if it wasn’t for her and her teachings I don’t think i was able to stay this long and accept the fact that I might be here for quite some time , Saudi can be ruff on the edges when brewed somewhere else, she taught me the sentence "no big deal "and has helped identify with the little Saudi within , and oh how I love that little ethnic vibe we Saudis posses , it’s just simply us and how we are , Saudis , you got to be one to know what i mean , after meeting her I was a Saudi with the twist , not too dry and not too sweet , just Saudi , I used to die inside when asked where I was from in the past and be soo imbaressed not knowing why , but now I rush "I am Saudi " even before the question was formed , like that ,so in your face and she has taught me that , indirectly I must confirm , and being old patriotic me, I must admit that I have finally found my muse and my land .

 I belong to this freaking place , and I have all the right to say and state so , and would love to see and implement some change as per my likings, I dream of the day where there will be a roundabout with a statue of me possibly formed into a shape of a block or a curvy wall  , Varoom would laugh and make fun of me and say "it would never happen , not in our lifetime" and then I would say "who cares , as long as change does happen " and then she would again , disagree.

Secondary Emotions

The first thing I do in the morning is decide what emotions will I utilize today, were they the ones I was feeling or the ones I’m not feeling initially? And I’ll always choose those that I’m not feeling , where all along I have been using the ones that I am feeling , crazy? Maybe not!


Its so hard to conceal what is inside ,or at least it is for me , I thought I was using the 6 hats technique , but I would stand corrected at the end of the day when I would feel so tired and washed out of emotion , not knowing why I would feel like that. no matter how much i would try to convince myself it isn’t how I’m feeling and this is how I should feel , and sometimes it didn’t matter how big the smile on my face was, I’d still feel the same familiar melancholy creeping up , what is it that keeps me down , being almost bipolar ?! That could be easily the answer and let’s leave it at that ,or let’s not, lets blame it all on where I reside, let’s not!


The other day I bumped into a friend who is the same, and he was feeling a little on the up side, which was very unusual for me to see, I loved him when he was there in his down, like me. we both identify with our frequent ups and downs and also like me we allow ourselves to mope and complain , it was so unusual that for the first time he wasn’t feeling down , I’ve never seen him so up , and i was in a up as well , both ups made me realize that maybe , just maybe , it’s all in our heads and that bi-polar syndrome is a mere fragment of our imagination , another subliminal tool to bring us down , and just by thinking that I had reached the clouds knowing the higher I go the harder the fall will be, insane!


till this very day I will not be able to list the things that make me happy and the things that bring me down , BC it all depends on my mood , and knowing my bipolar moods well , anything could either make me happy or make me want to kill myself , killing myself would be extreme ofcourse, and as the song goes , 5 hundred twenty five thousand 6 hundred minutes , how do you fucking measure your year , hours , minutes , relationships, cigarettes ,rolling paper? How to you measure your lives? Well the answer is simple, for people like me,  it takes many ups and more downs, in my case those are the brakes I measure my life with. moments are long and those long moments make years short , I mean really short , I have a calendar in front of me now and it makes the year seem so little , at the age of 31, I want to know how to measure the rest of my life , I don’t want to weigh my ups and downs. this is Just a random thought at the office.


I want to able to measure and count my laughs, and I can’t stop thinking of how many tears could have possibly made iy through my eyes, could that be a way? Maybe assigning a boyfriend a year, or keeping track of the amount of condoms used (that will never work) ,
Let’s see, measuring one’s life..........?


I have asked allot of people, and wrote/sent an email that goes like this:


Dear Sir or Madame,


I hope this email finds you well; I would like to inquire on the method of measurements used to measure your life?


Knowing one's life could be longer than some and others could be shorter, I’m simply asking how do you measure your life?


Thanking you all in advance for your prompt reply, and looking forwards to reading your answers!


Best regards,


Lana


I got one reply, one only and it read:


Lana, you’re asking a stupid question!

Really ,am I asking a stupid question ? was it that shallow and unthought-of?  all I know  is that I do think about it, and I do measure my life in many ways , I use all the memories I have made , whether sad or happy , it’s all good , they help me measure my life , and I realized I didn’t need an answer, I had mine that worked for me and that alone makes me feel that what I’m feeling is what I’m feeling , hidden or in the open its how I feel noticed or unnoticed they are there one feeling at the time, and that is defiantly not crazy.

Cold finger tips

Once i realized life ain't what it seemed , i sat back and took a deep breath , and thought of all those who are missing out on what is coming next .

I knew a man who was dying but never had the chance to say my goodbyes to, this man passed in the year 97, and his death took me by surprise , i had never known anyone who died before and now i have, all i remember was how fast the whole thing hit me , death became a fact realised for only a few moments , pondered further and gone like it never happened ,it became a reality in my life that i had to deal with , it didn't add nor subtract out of how i feel , i felt the same ,nothing interesting to mention .

When my mother and i argue i feel like my anger towards her will make the earth shake so hard engulfing all ,swallowing her deep and spitting her out across the universe all the way to the other side of nowhere, she means the world to me just because its the way it goes, children feel miraculously attached to their deliverer its simply human nature ,and blood does run thicker than water.I declare that I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make her satisfied , but is she ever? she is never , there is always something wrong with that i am doing , and when I'm not then its with what I'm saying , and if i don't then its definitely what I'm thinking, her obsessive motherly "givingly "behaviour is definitely separating her from the truth that lies in front of her , it is clouding the only judgment i seek , my mother's opinion is the world i want to live in ,and yet so unattainable .

To whom this may concern , i miss you and out of everyone i know ,its you i have been described as , and it matters to me what you thought and what you said always encouraged me , you taught me half what i know , i owe my imagination to you , R.I.P !

All those who have fallen out by choice or by misconduct and have lost the privilege , GET LOST.

It was later when i found out that loss isn't bad as much as it can be good , life isn't hard only if you choose your life to be , and death is there around the corner waiting for you unannounced,u cant avoid it but you can be able to construct your exit in a way that is satisfying to yourself and the people around you by making their life and your life with them barrable ,by getting involved and involving them you will assure that they remember you ,and that departure will add and subtract to emotional growth and will affect whatever hasn't happened waiting to happen.