So, now that I have past the 30 and +,and have realized that mornings are more defined and endings are inevitable.
Standing here looking back at the past, life, family and friends, things I have done, I can say.... I’ve pretty much been there and have done that , and it’s not a so bad feeling BC, I am Queen of the world baby!
and thus I can sacrifice a couple or three more years of my life living here , in Saudi Arabia . I can afford to stay put ,and for once ,place my brains where they are supposed to be (in my head not in my handbag), note that I’m saying this and am completely aware of what I’m saying and neither drunk nor high , no one has a knife to my throat and I don’t think I have finally lost my marbles , I think it’s time to man up , I mean Wo-man up!
Let’s take my financial state , I have never saved a penny in my life, never even intended too (i simply didnt care , even though with things going the way they were at home i should have ) and now with all these plans in my head of a more grownup life style , I have to save money ( and I’m telling you right now with the holes in both my hands , it’s almost impossible ) but I got to do it . Especially when starting a business, I got to break even at the end of the year or else I’m in deep shit. and now that I know nothing of what a financial plan might be am looking at all these ways in order to understand how it could possibly take place, and did I mention I do not what so ever comprehend numbers, I simply don’t understand them i can add , subtract and that’s about it. (Blame it on private schools and dyslexia)
knowing that my hands have holes I made sure that this year hands need to be mended by hook or crook, assured that I need a new plan in saving especially that my whole life will change , it’s all downhill from here , or should I say uphill.
Uphill, downhill, it’s all hill to me.
Since ill stick to something for the first time in my life, that will require quitting allot of things, listed below are some of the things I need to remove from my life once and for all, the question will remain if i actually will:
1. Cigarettes: estimates show that" Cigarettes are the only substance sold that , when the user follows the instructions carefully, will result in the consumer becoming toxic , ill or dead" and they forgot to add BROKE.
2. Excessive traveling: now this one is a little tricky and something that I can’t do without(noting i travel cheapand putting in concideration , i live in Saudi Arabia), I wish I could invest in a private plane but that also needs money lots of it , and if I worked for most of my life i will never make the amount needed and if I ever do its safer to invest in a bike, I’m sure technology will come up with some kind of peice of metal I can never obtain, and planes will turn obsolete. Seriously I need to cut down on my trips, sigh.
3. Shopping: will not be a problem since I don’t really shop anyways.....
4. Driver: now this is an issue, as most of you know women in Saudi Arabia don’t drive and due to the inflation and the sudden drop in market shares and the drying of oil underneath my feet, citizens are doomed, especially my family, we don’t have a car, and use "drivers bilmishwar" i.e. drivers that have cars and charge per ride or per month and oh my GOD do they charge. they charge an arm and a leg and a heart if they can,they'll reach out and grab it right out of your chest, and i swear to you it’s so frustrating knowing that i have a driving license and can lease my own car, but noooo, if I buy a car I need to get a driver to drive it, and that is another budget on its own.
I think ill invest in a donkey and start galloping away to and fro, and talking about investing my money , i should buy more than one donkey and rent them all out .
Knowing that no matter how much I make or how much I spend I still will manage to stay broke , I mean with no savings , and I would love to save so i can be able to relocate to my dream spot , (the spot i dream of at the moment ) but I know that it can be done , the question is, will I be able to make it ? save , relocate , and be happy ? And then another question pops up, if I do all the above, would I be happy? or will look for something else to find happiness?
And there you have it folks , at the age of 31 , I literally am asking fundamental questions that should have been asked a little while back , or maybe not , and could by chance change the course of my life .
The good thing is that they are finally being asked.
End page!!
Showing posts with label 31. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 31. Show all posts
Mar 27, 2010
Mar 3, 2010
Secondary Emotions
The first thing I do in the morning is decide what emotions will I utilize today, were they the ones I was feeling or the ones I’m not feeling initially? And I’ll always choose those that I’m not feeling , where all along I have been using the ones that I am feeling , crazy? Maybe not!
Its so hard to conceal what is inside ,or at least it is for me , I thought I was using the 6 hats technique , but I would stand corrected at the end of the day when I would feel so tired and washed out of emotion , not knowing why I would feel like that. no matter how much i would try to convince myself it isn’t how I’m feeling and this is how I should feel , and sometimes it didn’t matter how big the smile on my face was, I’d still feel the same familiar melancholy creeping up , what is it that keeps me down , being almost bipolar ?! That could be easily the answer and let’s leave it at that ,or let’s not, lets blame it all on where I reside, let’s not!
The other day I bumped into a friend who is the same, and he was feeling a little on the up side, which was very unusual for me to see, I loved him when he was there in his down, like me. we both identify with our frequent ups and downs and also like me we allow ourselves to mope and complain , it was so unusual that for the first time he wasn’t feeling down , I’ve never seen him so up , and i was in a up as well , both ups made me realize that maybe , just maybe , it’s all in our heads and that bi-polar syndrome is a mere fragment of our imagination , another subliminal tool to bring us down , and just by thinking that I had reached the clouds knowing the higher I go the harder the fall will be, insane!
till this very day I will not be able to list the things that make me happy and the things that bring me down , BC it all depends on my mood , and knowing my bipolar moods well , anything could either make me happy or make me want to kill myself , killing myself would be extreme ofcourse, and as the song goes , 5 hundred twenty five thousand 6 hundred minutes , how do you fucking measure your year , hours , minutes , relationships, cigarettes ,rolling paper? How to you measure your lives? Well the answer is simple, for people like me, it takes many ups and more downs, in my case those are the brakes I measure my life with. moments are long and those long moments make years short , I mean really short , I have a calendar in front of me now and it makes the year seem so little , at the age of 31, I want to know how to measure the rest of my life , I don’t want to weigh my ups and downs. this is Just a random thought at the office.
I want to able to measure and count my laughs, and I can’t stop thinking of how many tears could have possibly made iy through my eyes, could that be a way? Maybe assigning a boyfriend a year, or keeping track of the amount of condoms used (that will never work) ,
Let’s see, measuring one’s life..........?
I have asked allot of people, and wrote/sent an email that goes like this:
Dear Sir or Madame,
I hope this email finds you well; I would like to inquire on the method of measurements used to measure your life?
Knowing one's life could be longer than some and others could be shorter, I’m simply asking how do you measure your life?
Thanking you all in advance for your prompt reply, and looking forwards to reading your answers!
Best regards,
Lana
I got one reply, one only and it read:
Lana, you’re asking a stupid question!
Really ,am I asking a stupid question ? was it that shallow and unthought-of? all I know is that I do think about it, and I do measure my life in many ways , I use all the memories I have made , whether sad or happy , it’s all good , they help me measure my life , and I realized I didn’t need an answer, I had mine that worked for me and that alone makes me feel that what I’m feeling is what I’m feeling , hidden or in the open its how I feel noticed or unnoticed they are there one feeling at the time, and that is defiantly not crazy.
Its so hard to conceal what is inside ,or at least it is for me , I thought I was using the 6 hats technique , but I would stand corrected at the end of the day when I would feel so tired and washed out of emotion , not knowing why I would feel like that. no matter how much i would try to convince myself it isn’t how I’m feeling and this is how I should feel , and sometimes it didn’t matter how big the smile on my face was, I’d still feel the same familiar melancholy creeping up , what is it that keeps me down , being almost bipolar ?! That could be easily the answer and let’s leave it at that ,or let’s not, lets blame it all on where I reside, let’s not!
The other day I bumped into a friend who is the same, and he was feeling a little on the up side, which was very unusual for me to see, I loved him when he was there in his down, like me. we both identify with our frequent ups and downs and also like me we allow ourselves to mope and complain , it was so unusual that for the first time he wasn’t feeling down , I’ve never seen him so up , and i was in a up as well , both ups made me realize that maybe , just maybe , it’s all in our heads and that bi-polar syndrome is a mere fragment of our imagination , another subliminal tool to bring us down , and just by thinking that I had reached the clouds knowing the higher I go the harder the fall will be, insane!
till this very day I will not be able to list the things that make me happy and the things that bring me down , BC it all depends on my mood , and knowing my bipolar moods well , anything could either make me happy or make me want to kill myself , killing myself would be extreme ofcourse, and as the song goes , 5 hundred twenty five thousand 6 hundred minutes , how do you fucking measure your year , hours , minutes , relationships, cigarettes ,rolling paper? How to you measure your lives? Well the answer is simple, for people like me, it takes many ups and more downs, in my case those are the brakes I measure my life with. moments are long and those long moments make years short , I mean really short , I have a calendar in front of me now and it makes the year seem so little , at the age of 31, I want to know how to measure the rest of my life , I don’t want to weigh my ups and downs. this is Just a random thought at the office.
I want to able to measure and count my laughs, and I can’t stop thinking of how many tears could have possibly made iy through my eyes, could that be a way? Maybe assigning a boyfriend a year, or keeping track of the amount of condoms used (that will never work) ,
Let’s see, measuring one’s life..........?
I have asked allot of people, and wrote/sent an email that goes like this:
Dear Sir or Madame,
I hope this email finds you well; I would like to inquire on the method of measurements used to measure your life?
Knowing one's life could be longer than some and others could be shorter, I’m simply asking how do you measure your life?
Thanking you all in advance for your prompt reply, and looking forwards to reading your answers!
Best regards,
Lana
I got one reply, one only and it read:
Lana, you’re asking a stupid question!
Really ,am I asking a stupid question ? was it that shallow and unthought-of? all I know is that I do think about it, and I do measure my life in many ways , I use all the memories I have made , whether sad or happy , it’s all good , they help me measure my life , and I realized I didn’t need an answer, I had mine that worked for me and that alone makes me feel that what I’m feeling is what I’m feeling , hidden or in the open its how I feel noticed or unnoticed they are there one feeling at the time, and that is defiantly not crazy.
Feb 20, 2010
#1
A little about this Blog and its writer :
1- The name i have chosen for myself is an Alias , well BC i would just like to write whatever the hell i want to( I already do say and write what i like , and to go with an alias was a suggestion from a friend!)
2- Location: Saudi Arabia, Earth.
3- Age 31 , starting Feb 2010...FYI ....it all started at 30 , before that i was beheaded and fed to the lions , tigers and bears.
4- Dreams : many intertwined hopes and tubes that run deep into culture and are lost in translation , swimming in double standards and trading places with different spaces.....wishing for high tides to carry dead bodies to the other side, and waiting for my brain to dissolve , maybe ill be able to stop the thinking process , always lucid!
5-Blog: Free (depending on the meaning of free in you vocab) , Different, Blunt, Arabic.
1- The name i have chosen for myself is an Alias , well BC i would just like to write whatever the hell i want to( I already do say and write what i like , and to go with an alias was a suggestion from a friend!)
2- Location: Saudi Arabia, Earth.
3- Age 31 , starting Feb 2010...FYI ....it all started at 30 , before that i was beheaded and fed to the lions , tigers and bears.
4- Dreams : many intertwined hopes and tubes that run deep into culture and are lost in translation , swimming in double standards and trading places with different spaces.....wishing for high tides to carry dead bodies to the other side, and waiting for my brain to dissolve , maybe ill be able to stop the thinking process , always lucid!
5-Blog: Free (depending on the meaning of free in you vocab) , Different, Blunt, Arabic.
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