Secondary Emotions

The first thing I do in the morning is decide what emotions will I utilize today, were they the ones I was feeling or the ones I’m not feeling initially? And I’ll always choose those that I’m not feeling , where all along I have been using the ones that I am feeling , crazy? Maybe not!


Its so hard to conceal what is inside ,or at least it is for me , I thought I was using the 6 hats technique , but I would stand corrected at the end of the day when I would feel so tired and washed out of emotion , not knowing why I would feel like that. no matter how much i would try to convince myself it isn’t how I’m feeling and this is how I should feel , and sometimes it didn’t matter how big the smile on my face was, I’d still feel the same familiar melancholy creeping up , what is it that keeps me down , being almost bipolar ?! That could be easily the answer and let’s leave it at that ,or let’s not, lets blame it all on where I reside, let’s not!


The other day I bumped into a friend who is the same, and he was feeling a little on the up side, which was very unusual for me to see, I loved him when he was there in his down, like me. we both identify with our frequent ups and downs and also like me we allow ourselves to mope and complain , it was so unusual that for the first time he wasn’t feeling down , I’ve never seen him so up , and i was in a up as well , both ups made me realize that maybe , just maybe , it’s all in our heads and that bi-polar syndrome is a mere fragment of our imagination , another subliminal tool to bring us down , and just by thinking that I had reached the clouds knowing the higher I go the harder the fall will be, insane!


till this very day I will not be able to list the things that make me happy and the things that bring me down , BC it all depends on my mood , and knowing my bipolar moods well , anything could either make me happy or make me want to kill myself , killing myself would be extreme ofcourse, and as the song goes , 5 hundred twenty five thousand 6 hundred minutes , how do you fucking measure your year , hours , minutes , relationships, cigarettes ,rolling paper? How to you measure your lives? Well the answer is simple, for people like me,  it takes many ups and more downs, in my case those are the brakes I measure my life with. moments are long and those long moments make years short , I mean really short , I have a calendar in front of me now and it makes the year seem so little , at the age of 31, I want to know how to measure the rest of my life , I don’t want to weigh my ups and downs. this is Just a random thought at the office.


I want to able to measure and count my laughs, and I can’t stop thinking of how many tears could have possibly made iy through my eyes, could that be a way? Maybe assigning a boyfriend a year, or keeping track of the amount of condoms used (that will never work) ,
Let’s see, measuring one’s life..........?


I have asked allot of people, and wrote/sent an email that goes like this:


Dear Sir or Madame,


I hope this email finds you well; I would like to inquire on the method of measurements used to measure your life?


Knowing one's life could be longer than some and others could be shorter, I’m simply asking how do you measure your life?


Thanking you all in advance for your prompt reply, and looking forwards to reading your answers!


Best regards,


Lana


I got one reply, one only and it read:


Lana, you’re asking a stupid question!

Really ,am I asking a stupid question ? was it that shallow and unthought-of?  all I know  is that I do think about it, and I do measure my life in many ways , I use all the memories I have made , whether sad or happy , it’s all good , they help me measure my life , and I realized I didn’t need an answer, I had mine that worked for me and that alone makes me feel that what I’m feeling is what I’m feeling , hidden or in the open its how I feel noticed or unnoticed they are there one feeling at the time, and that is defiantly not crazy.